Behind Difficult Conversations: The What, Why, and Neuroscience

If you're a manager, you may run into the occasional and yet necessary difficult conversation with an employee. In fact, it is bound to happen.

Difficult conversations can range from confronting an employee about a missing timesheet to addressing intolerable behavior in the workplace. Whichever the circumstance, every manager will have their own comfort and experience level with confronting difficult conversations.

The sticking point in all of this is that difficult conversations cannot be avoided. Rather, they need to be framed as an opportunity to help an employee learn, grow, and course correct.

The consequences of not engaging in constructive feedback

Giving regular feedback just makes good business sense. Think about it for a moment. How would an employee know if they are not meeting expectations if there isn't regular, clear, and effective feedback? They wouldn't. Think of it in a different way. How would an employee learn and grow unless they're receiving quality feedback on a regular basis?

By not providing quality feedback, you are doing your employee and yourself a disservice. Every time an employee requires constructive feedback and you avoid the conversation, you're sending the message that the behavior or performance is okay. The employee doesn't learn and you become frustrated over time.

In the absence of regular feedback, your employees might fill in the blanks. They might think "I must be doing fine" or "maybe my manager doesn't think I can take constructive feedback" or "maybe my manager thinks I can't change".

Regardless, you will want to fill in the blanks for your employees to prevent alternative narratives from happening by proving quality feedback - positive or constructive - on a regular basis.

At the end of the day, the consequences of not engaging in difficult conversations far outweigh the discomfort of participating in them.

Our Brains on Constructive Feedback

When you’re delivering constructive feedback, consider the neuroscience of stress which plays a role in the receiving of difficult feedback.

As humans, our brains are wired to scan our environment for danger or perceived threats. It's what has helped cave men survive. The part of our brain that has not fully evolved for today’s world is the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). The SNS is what activates our fight or flight stress responses during a threat. Unfortunately, the brain does not know the difference between physical threats and social threats.

When a person senses a perceived threat, the SNS is activated to cue a fight or flight response. This is why some people react differently when receiving difficult news. Some may stay quiet and not say anything at all (freeze). Some may become defensive and angry (fight). Some may try to avoid having the conversation altogether or try to end it quickly (flight).

When under stress, our amygdala (often called 'the emotional brain' and the part that attaches emotions to memories) sends stress hormones to the hypothalamus (responsible for regulating emotional responses, body temperature, and hormones) triggering the fight of flight response – which could be considered ideal... if you need to fight for your survival. But not so ideal for an employee trying to receive and process constructive feedback in a productive way.

When the amygdala is triggered, it shuts off access to the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational decision-making, evaluation, and thinking). This is often referred to as the 'amygdala hijack'. Why is this important? As you know, these are often the functions we need to process a difficult situation.

When we are preparing to deliver constructive feedback, here are a few brain-based tips to consider that may help reduce your employees' stress response:

• Give feedback in real-time and regularly. When employees are used to receiving feedback, both positive and constructive, you create a culture where feedback is expected and is the norm. Create the space for feedback to be a two-way street where employees seek it just as often, if not more.
• Schedule and clarify. For more serious conversations that require scheduling, send the invite within a day or same day of the meeting. Scheduling too far in the future will provide more time for employees to worry and make assumptions about what the conversation is about. In the invite subject, specify the topic it’s related to. For example, “Feedback for Presentation”.
• Enter the conversation with a starter. Don’t just jump into delivering the hard stuff. Start the conversation with an opening line that preps the employee for the conversation and situation. For example, “You presented to our client yesterday on our project status. I have some feedback I’d like to offer you that could help you improve for next time.”
• Reinforce psychological safety. When employees make a mistake, negative thought patterns can spiral. It’s important to help your employees feel psychologically safe. When employees feel safe to express their opinions without fear of retribution, they can more easily focus on the actual problem at hand and ultimately a solution. Let them know their thoughts matter, their contributions are valued, and there’s room to make mistakes without inequivalent consequences.
• Focus on the problem, not the person. When providing feedback to an employee, don’t attribute their mistakes to them personally. Attribute the concerns to their behaviors and how it impacts the bigger picture at work.

For a simple-to-follow formula for constructing feedback, try out the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model at your next feedback session. 

How many difficult conversations are you currently avoiding versus engaging in? How can you reframe it as an opportunity for growth? What brain-based tips do you have for making feedback easier? 

References

Dev, W. (2021, October 22). Giving and Receiving Feedback | Performance Consulting. NeuroLeadership Institute. https://neuroleadership.com/feedback-culture

Hold Talent Development Conversations With the SBI Feedback Model. (2022, July 26). CCL. https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/sbi-feedback-model-a-quick-win-to-improve-talent-conversations-development/

Rock, D. B. J. (2018, August 27). Using neuroscience to make feedback work and feel better. Strategy+business. https://www.strategy-business.com/article/Using-Neuroscience-to-Make-Feedback-Work-and-Feel-Better

Spiro, J. E. (2003, January 1). Your brain on stress. Nature. https://www.nature.com/articles/nn0103-13?error=cookies_not_supported&code=e67fbe0c-0cf2-4e48-80b1-9e5b37494eb0

Training Industry, Inc. (2018, February 9). Our Brains Are to Blame: The Neuroscience of Feedback. Training Industry. https://trainingindustry.com/articles/performance-management/our-brains-are-to-blame-the-neuroscience-of-feedback/